Friday, May 01, 2015

May already?

Can't believe that it's already May.

I guess that I'm sort of relieved. April, for the past couple of years, has been a month of misery.

First, it was learning about Sleepy's state. Managed to spend our last few moments together before he left for good.

The following year, the memory was still fresh in me. I still remembered our last exchange with one another while he was still conscious. It wasn't even a proper goodbye.

This year, I wanted to remember him. I did. But there were other pressing matters in hand that I hadn't been able to pay tribute to him. I had to stop Death from meeting someone else before his time. Unfortunately, it took the life out of me while doing so. It's not easy being there for someone whom has shut the world off.

April seems like the time of the year where I'm tested over and over again. It's the month when my life began, but I sure hope it isn't the month my life ends.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Not one of the better birthdays.

Being unable to help the people I care for cripples me.

Like an arrow shot into my chest, I can feel my life slowly draining away into oblivion... slowly losing sense of what is going on around me... as I feel only the pain from the arrow because it hurts like hell. But eventually, as I weaken, I would probably forget that I was even hurt... forgetting that there was even something piercing through my soul... surviving only if I was a living dead...

... if that even means survival at all.

Monday, March 09, 2015

I've not forgotten.

Happy birthday, Sleepy.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Is it time already?

I dread today.

This afternoon, to be precise.

Today is the day that I'll lose a friend. A friend who has been loyal since the first day I entered into this household.

Today's the day I see dear Max off.

Choosing to let go has not been an easy decision. My heart tells me to hold on, but my brain knows that it would only be for the best.

He can't eat on his own.

He can't drink on his own.

He no longer barks.

He can barely stand.

And he slips when he does. Even though I've laid foam mats on the floor to minimize the slippage.

And the saddest thing that he's been crying a lot these past 5 days.

I've prayed for miracles day after day, hoping that he'll get better. But now I realise that the only miracle that can happen, and will be happening in a few hours or so, is that I will choose to let him live that better life, away from his aging body. I need to stop that stream of tears I've been seeing these past couple of days, and let me take it on from there instead.

I'm still hoping that when I take him to the vet later, there will be some sort of miracle. But if there isn't, I guess I'll have to learn to accept that it'll suck living in this world when I am in so much pain.

29 December 2014. He's still able to stand on his own, though he still slips every now and then.

11 January 2015. Ever curious and helpful even at his old age. He must have thought we still needed help with holding the planks down for sawing...but no, Max, we've moved on to the sanding part already!
19 January 2015. He's very reliant on the foam mats to get about. And this standing position? I had to carry him up to get him out of his post-slipping spread-eagle position.

19 January 2015. Letting him sleep indoors...but in the end, he still preferred the outdoors.

I dread this afternoon. I'm still hoping for the vet to say that there's still hope. But what are the chances when all seems so bleak?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Trash talk.

WARNING: Emo post ahead.

I keep...

...because they were the best days of my life.

Don't ask me to throw away things that brings back good memories. They may be what revives me when all hell breaks loose. Unfortunately, hell has been any time of the day when I remember that I'm here today in the situation I am in, where there isn't anything that makes of a good memory.

I deserve to have those good memories because I earned them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm trying to make every breathing moment memorable in the best way. But if I'm treated like trash, this trash would like to be reminded of its once-great life despite being, what, trash?