Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Is it time already?

I dread today.

This afternoon, to be precise.

Today is the day that I'll lose a friend. A friend who has been loyal since the first day I entered into this household.

Today's the day I see dear Max off.

Choosing to let go has not been an easy decision. My heart tells me to hold on, but my brain knows that it would only be for the best.

He can't eat on his own.

He can't drink on his own.

He no longer barks.

He can barely stand.

And he slips when he does. Even though I've laid foam mats on the floor to minimize the slippage.

And the saddest thing is......is.........is that he's been crying a lot these past 5 days.

I've prayed for miracles day after day, hoping that he'll get better. But now I realise that the only miracle that can happen, and will be happening in a few hours or so, is that I will choose to let him live that better life, away from his aging body. I need to stop that stream of tears I've been seeing these past couple of days, and let me take it on from there instead.

I'm still hoping that when I take him to the vet later, there will be some sort of miracle. But if there isn't, I guess I'll have to learn to accept that it'll suck living in this world when I am in so much pain.

29 December 2014. He's still able to stand on his own, though he still slips every now and then.

11 January 2015. Ever curious and helpful even at his old age. He must have thought we still needed help with holding the planks down for sawing...but no, Max, we've moved on to the sanding part already!
19 January 2015. He's very reliant on the foam mats to get about. And this standing position? I had to carry him up to get him out of his post-slipping spread-eagle position.

19 January 2015. Letting him sleep indoors...but in the end, he still preferred the outdoors.

I dread this afternoon. I'm still hoping for the vet to say that there's still hope. But what are the chances when all seems so bleak?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Trash talk.

WARNING: Emo post ahead.

I keep...



...because they were the best days of my life.

Don't ask me to throw away things that brings back good memories. They may be what revives me when all hell breaks loose. Unfortunately, hell has been any time of the day when I remember that I'm here today in the situation I am in, where there isn't anything that makes of a good memory.

I deserve to have those good memories because I earned them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm trying to make every breathing moment memorable in the best way. But if I'm treated like trash, this trash would like to be reminded of its once-great life despite being, what, trash?

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Happy 26th.

Happy 26th birthday to the guy whose life had brought joy during my days of youth. Even though he's not around anymore, memories of him are still alive, and for that, happy birthday, Dom! :)

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's day.

Happy Valentine's day, you...

...the one who's freed from all pain and fear.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Equals.

How would you place yourself in society?

Someone who's there, or someone who isn't?

It's pretty much the case that everyone's of the latter case, because realistically speaking, no one fits into a perfect jigsaw puzzle in this world. Everyone's trying hard to be accepted into a certain class, wearing a different mask with different people. That's what adapting is about afterall. Problem is, how much adapting have we done that we've lost our true identity?

I've been through all that, experimenting with masks. Some I can't even afford to but do, and some just evidently ill-fitting. If I try too hard, I'm a 'Try Hard'. If I wear it well but simply can't cope, well, who's there to turn to since I'm pretending so hard? In the end, it's tiring to be a slave to others who are simply slaves to others.

It's with these experiences that I feel thankful for the friends I have, who does not care where I'm at right now. We may not be peas in a pod, but we accept our differences and look past shits and all.

For that, cheers!