Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bigger.

Last night during our bedtime chat, Esther told me that a classmate told her, "Your father is ugly". She did not scold her, but deep down inside, she was boiling with anger.

"I think she's lying. I don't think she has even seen papa. I'm going to test her and see if she knows what papa looks like," Esther told me.

All of the sudden, I realized that the kiddo is no longer a little girl anymore. She's keeping memories of the day, not letting go of things that bothered her. She isn't a child that easily forgives and forgets anymore.

Looks like I'll have to start preparing myself for the onset of her puberty soon.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Can't sleep.

Brain. For heaven's sake, please stop thinking. It's past midnight!!!!!!!

Gahhhh... I should've gone for a run earlier.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Repression.

Just realized today that I tend to repress bitter memories.

The manager asked me about the ex's personality... while I knew how I felt hurt, I simply couldn't remember what he did exactly that made me feel like I was constantly stepping on Lego bricks - always cautious, but I knew I'd be full of pain with a simple misstep.

Perhaps that's why I'm so accommodating to the ex. I don't ponder too much on the actions, only rueful that our relationship as friends is like that. Ok, perhaps I do ponder on them quite a bit, but I unload them away in a journal and tire myself in the process of doing so that I feel it's a waste of time and energy to keep those thoughts in my head. After all, I need to make space for happier memories.

I should go create more happy memories.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Cramp.

Is it just me, or are periods nastier after childbirth? I have never had such massive stomach cramps before this... feels like the spawn of Satan is trying to tear his way out of me.

Anyway, I've discovered that those pink period pills do work wonders during times like this, not that I'd recommend it... warm compress and exercises are still best for me body, if only time and location allows for it.

Can't my cycle take a longer vacation, damnit?!

Friday, May 20, 2016

I miss...

...singing.

...dancing.

...ice-skating.

...badminton over the fence.

...climbing ropes.

...building gadgets out of kayu bakau.

...galah panjang.

...carrom.

...night markets at my pace.

...experiencing food.

...homecooked food.

...soup with every meal.

...Esther happily eating the food I made.

...food being affordable.

...sitting in any of Ms Winnie's lectures, even if she decides to give another one of her pop quizzes.

...running another research.

...hour-long chats about life and love over the phone.

...being the "big sister".

...girly night outs.

...going on train rides with a loved one.

...watching movies together at home.

...being excited to write again.

...sleepovers.

...camping.

...massages.

...cuddling.

...smiling for real.