Sunday, October 23, 2016

The puke fest

The kiddo threw up three times over two hours. I can't believe how calm and collected I am these days when things like this happen.

Back then, when the kiddo was still a little child, I would get all panicky and rush to the nearest clinic if that happened.

These days? I suppose with experience, and considering how well she is able to express herself, it's easier to work together to recover from things like that. Thank goodness she's a cooperative child who trusts her mother. I don't know how long this will last... in four years, she'll be a teenager. I really can't imagine an angsty version of my little angel. Anyhow, I hope we can still monkey around and have our heart-to-heart talks like we always do.

And here we are, post-vomit. It's as if nothing happened earlier.

Love her to the moon and back!

Sunday afternoon rant

I was wiping the stairs when I had a flashback of the time he told me he lost his footing while mopping the stairs. He had fallen down and injured himself... the gash on his left elbow being the most apparent. We hadn't gotten together at that point of time yet.

I wished we could go back to that time. At least we could sit at the same table comfortably, smile, laugh and tease one another, and most importantly, acknowledge each other. Now, I can't even talk to him face to face.

In all our recent run-ins, he would either whip out his phone and reply disinterestedly, reply/imply via another person, or look anywhere but at me when he talks. Not that I've been showing much effort either... I speedwalk out of nervousness each time, and blabber nonsense if I stayed around for too long. I think I had lost all bravado after my reconciliation efforts were rejected by him so many times.

I don't know when is the next time we can go out for a cup of tea. He already made it clear the last time that I would only ruin his meal. Sigh, meals... that's the one thing that we shared time together over most, and now he won't spare any of that time.

Arrghh I wished there was an actual human I can pour my heart out to without going all secretive over identities or sounding like an emotional wreck. He had been THAT person for me. It sucks to lose that.

With that said, I guess I'm afraid to pour my heart out to anyone now. I'm afraid I'll go through the same thing all over again. Considering that I'm not someone who's easy to handle, where do I find a person who won't give up on me so easily? Where do I find a person who is so willing to go the distance to pull me out of the quicksand I so often stumble upon? Oh, wait. Where do I find a person who would draw bridges over the quicksand so I wouldn't find myself sucked and stuck?

There it is again. Me and my crazy expectations. Not entirely realistic but possible. Damn those expectations. But I get it, you only want me to be happy. What a love-hate relationship I have with my expectations. Heh.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

My fingers will be the death of me

Once again, my fingers sprang into action without thinking about what it was doing.

I should have let the day end with "bye", but instead, my itchy fingers went ahead and elaborated on an earlier possibly rhetorical question he asked. My message was absolutely unnecessary and probably far too personal for someone who hasn't been comfortable with me for what - the past one month, twelve days?

I can imagine the what-the-fish look he would have made when he read that message.

Sigh... I was already doing so well abstaining from the temptation to send him messages... and then I just had to go ruin it.

I feel like digging a hole in the ground right now and bury my humiliated self in it.

Oh Lord, why am I so impulsive?

On the bright side, at least now, he won't have an embarassing other half.

That calls for a celebration. One on his behalf. Time to finish up the wine. Cheers.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Not a stolen glance.

Crap crap crap crap.

Two eye contacts in a day.

I'm usually the one stealing the glance so this is not something I'm used to right now arrrghh. Solution to holding myself together? Averting my gaze.

Despite the casual greetings and how are you's, the only thing running through my brain is not to screw up.

Ask him if he's alright? No, heart! Use your brains!

Ask him if he would like to have dinner with me? No, heart! Use your brains!

Ask him if we could hang out one day? No, heart! Use your brains!

Alright. You did well, woman. And you've been doing well abstaining. Now wipe that silly grin off your face!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Random things I especially miss tonight.

Going to the movies.


Taking pictures for no reason at all.

Receiving flowers.

Handwritten messages.

Jigsaw puzzles.




Homecooked food.

Having somebody to serve me deboned fish and shelled prawns during a meal.

Having a reason to dress up.

Being excited to dress up.



Being told that I'm doing alright in life.

Pats on the back.

Head pats.

Forehead kisses.


Monday, October 17, 2016

Bak chang.

I can't believe how much I miss the taste of his mother's bak chang.

I wonder if I'll ever have the pleasure to eat it again... or to even meet her in person. :(